Finding Joy: Turning 40

Today is one that I have been dreading for a while now.  Yes, its my 40th birthday.  Happy birthday to me.  UGH!  for the past 6 months any mention of my birthday or its accompanying age has almost put me into a panic attack.  We are talking spikes in blood pressure, racing heart and shallow, labored breathing.  But really, it shouldn't be a big deal.  Should it?  So, I'm 40.  Roughly half my life is over.  Kind of a depressing thought.  Another depressing thought is that the half that's gone could be the best half.  No, I don't really believe that.  I think today is just making me think about making the most of the next 40 years.

I can't complain about life to this point.  Its had its ups and downs and a few curve balls thrown in just to keep me on my toes.  I've been blessed with 7 fabulous children in 13 1/2 years.  I know some people think I'm nuts, but I can testify that true happiness is found in family.  Its where all the good and bad happen and where we are prepared for life in the real world.  I wouldn't have that part of my life any other way.

I'm also married to an amazing guy.  He's a little rough around the edges, but he's kind, hard working and a great dad.  He has provided our family with a comfortable home and helped give us a good life.  I'm looking forward to growing old with him.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why turning 40 is so hard for me.  I should be thrilled.  I'm in good health, surrounded by people that I adore, I have good friends.  I should be, and I'm trying to, look forward to what life will give me next.  In a few years, my kids will begin leaving home and heading to college and on LDS missions and then starting families of their own.  I'm getting to a point where all the things I postponed in order to have a large family will be possible.  One of the first things on my list is culinary school.  I'll never run or even cook in a restaurant, but I love to cook and I'm eager to learn the science and technique behind it.  And education is NEVER wasted.

 I also want to travel.  Spain and Italy are on the top of my list, closely followed by the Philippines and Thailand.  Israel, Vietnam and India are thrown in the mix too.  It won't be too many more years before its possible for me to pick up and go whenever I want.  I want to take in the culture, both similarities and differences, broaden my horizons and see what life is like outside of my sheltered little community.

Charity work will be high on my to do list over the next few years and as my children get older.  I've been blessed with so much in comparison to others around the world that I feel very strongly about giving back.  A favorite church hymn is a great example of how I try (and sometimes fail) to live my life.  It says:

Because I have been given much, I too must give;
Because of Thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live;
I shall divide my gifts from thee
With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.


Because I have been sheltered, fed by Thy good care.
I cannot see another's lack and I not share
My glowing fire, my loaf of bread,
My roof's safe shelter overhead,
That he too may be comforted.


Because I have been blessed by Thy great love, dear Lord, 
I'll share that love again according to Thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I'll show that love by word and deed;
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.


I believe that if everyone live their lives with gratitude and a desire to give back to those who are less fortunate the world would be a better place.  One of my goals is to try to make my corner of the world better.  I doubt I'll make any grand difference, but I'm satisfied with small and somewhat significant. Scriptures say: By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.  Alma 37:6.  I'll keep that in mind as I go about trying to do good.

Last, but not least, on my list of things to do/improve would be spiritual improvement.  I believe that when we give our will over to God, he will make much more of our lives that we ever could on our own.  I haven't been very good at that.  I'm selfish by nature. (Aren't we all, welcome to being a member of the human race.)  I want to know the end from the beginning and its hard to live on faith.  I'm going to work on growing closer to God, having more faith in Christ and letting the Holy Spirit guide me to where I need to go.  What better way is there to make sure the next 40 years are full and meaningful to myself and those around me.

Finding Joy: Peace through pain

Life has been a real roller coaster ride lately.  Back in December my mom was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  It was like a shot out of the blue.  One of the things I was most thankful for at Thanksgiving was the fact that despite all the other challenges our family faces, health problems has never really been one of them.  Then just a few days later, "BAM!"  cancer.  It left our whole family reeling.  It was weeks before we had any answers or even knew for sure what kind of cancer it was.  Let me tell you, you become an expert overnight thanks to the Internet.  In some ways it eased my mind, but the research brought up as many questions as it answered.  After many trips to the doctor and even more tests, finally we knew something.  I'm grateful that the news was good.  The cancer was caught in stage 2 and is potentially curable.  Despite the good news, we were still so scared.

So the doctor's appointments continued until finally it was time for the chemotherapy.  We are really lucky in that she only needs 6 treatments, but still...its chemo.  It is extreme fatigue, hair loss, nausea, weight loss and depression.  On Friday, I was able to take her to one her chemo sessions.  I learned a lot that day.  I learned that the nurses who take care of the chemo patients are angels.  They are kind, caring and compassionate.  I learned that chemo isn't a form of medieval torture.  It is administered through IVs, and while some of the side effects aren't great, the process itself is very modern and simple. 

I was also reminded of something I already knew.  That it is an honor to serve and care for those we love.  It is sometimes inconvenient and sometimes hard, but service always brings an increase of love and the healing, peace giving spirit of Christ.  I'm learning that Christ's atonement covers not only our sins, but our pain and our fear.  That we can feel the peace that comes only through His spirit and know that He understands our pain, fear and uncertainty.  It gives me great comfort and peace to know that our family isn't going through this alone.  That the prayers of cancer patients everywhere are being heard on our behalf and that we can feel peace and love even through pain. 

Our family has been blessed in that we know that everything will be okay.  That this cancer will be cured and our family will feel whole again.  That peace is priceless.

Finding Joy: Wood=Winter Warmth

I have to give you a little background on the Finding Joy posts I'm trying to do.  I got the inspiration for these from Leigh Ann at Your Home Based Mom.  She makes a point to look for beautiful things and see the wonder in the world.  I'm trying to find the joy in small and simple things.  The past 2 years have been really hard on our family.  Between having our own personal economic meltdown, having nearly everything we own fall apart, Chad working 2 jobs and 7 days a week to make up for a temporary lay off from the part time job, I am pretty much at my wits end.  There are days I don't think I can take one more thing.  It's days like that when I need something to make me smile and something to be grateful for.  That is the purpose behind these posts.  They remind me that even when I feel like I'm being smothered by life, there are still things to be happy about and to be grateful for.  Things that bring joy.  Those things are different for everyone, but it is really important to look for and recognize the small and simple things.  The things that really matter.

Every fall we head up to the mountains of central Utah to cut firewood.  We usually start in early September so I get to watch the leaves change from green to yellow to red as the season progresses.
 

We get to enjoy the clean fresh air, the smell of the pine trees and the beauty of God's creations.  The Utah mountains are among the most spectacular and beautiful places on earth. 

I love to hear the sound of the chain saws as they cut through dead logs and smell the sawdust that lay in piles all around.  Its a lot of work, but its also something I look forward to every year.  Not only do I love the whole process of cutting fire wood, but I love the security that I feel when the wood shed is full. 



I love knowing that we will be warm in the winter, that there will be a cozy fire to curl up next to on the long cold winter nights.  I can watch the flames dance and hear the burning wood sizzle and pop.



That in the evenings I can curl up with a cup of hot chocolate

and my favorite book, and be perfectly content.

Finding Joy: Our New Puppy

Today we did something we swore we'd never do again.  We got a new puppy.  However, this wasn't actually intentional.  On Friday, my 2 oldest daughters, Bailey and Brandee, went for a walk around the neighborhood.  Now, our neighborhood isn't like most in suburbia.  We live in a very rural area where the minimum lot size is 2.5 acres.  So as the girls were walking down a dirt road they saw this little dog sitting in the tall weeds along the fence line.  They immediately came running home to tell me that the dog was there.  They had tried to approach him, but he was so scared that he just growled.  They begged me to let them bring him home.  Not knowing what his story was, I told them to leave him there just in case someone either came for him or he decided to go home.  So for the next 2 days, every time I drove down the road I looked to see if he was still there. And of course the poor little guy was.

At this point, I have to tell you, I really don't like pets.  We have horses, chickens, and the occasional pig and cow, but I'm just not a fan of "pets".  As I was growing up, we had an overabundance of pets.  At one point, we had 13 cats living in our house.  My sister and I secretly called our mom the "crazy cat lady".  I was young enough not to really remember (or notice) the mess they made, but someone was constantly cleaning up after them.  When I left home, I vowed there would be no more pets. 

Enter children.

I have been blessed with the most tenderhearted kids ever.  They just can't stand to see anything suffer.  I've watched them try to save newborn kittens who were abandoned by their mother and try to nurse birds back to health after cat attacks.  So for the sake of their sweet, nurturing ways, I have let them have a few cats that live outside.

Fast forward to today.  We were on our way to church and checked on the poor thing as we drove by.  Sure enough, he was still huddled by the fence post.  I can't imagine how lonely,scared and hungry he must have been by then, not to mention thirsty.  We stopped to show him to my hubby, Chad.  My girls begged and begged to take him home.  Surprisingly, Chad agreed.

On the way home from church, we stopped again to try to coax him to follow us home.  After sitting in the same spot for days waiting for a master that was never coming back, he was eager for some love and companionship.  He let Colton, my oldest son, pick him up and carry him home. 

After 2 hot dogs and a large bowl of water, he was running around, jumping and playing with the kids.  I would dare say that they have imprinted on each others hearts.  Its actually been very sweet to watch.

So where is the joy in something I really don't like?  It's in watching the look on my kid's faces, hearing them laugh as they play with Sparky, and realizing that raising nurturing and loving children is so much more important than what I like.  It is in having something be so much more important than getting what I want.  It is in rescuing one of God's creatures from a slow and painful death.  But it is mostly about love, without which my life would be empty.  And my children have given me more love than any heart could ever hold.

This is Sparky.  He appears to be at least part terrier, and is probably about 6 months old.  You can see why my kids wanted to bring him home!